Reuters: Pakistanis Vow To Vote “Even In the Dark”

By Nzaar Ihsan
ISLAMABAD | Wed 20th Mar 2013 12:32pm

March 2013 has been a historic month for Pakistan: the first time in the country’s 65 year history that a democratically elected government completed it’s full 5 year term.

“I can’t believe that this day has finally come. Does this mean I can go home tonight without the fear of the Taliban shoving an AK 47 up my rear?”, asked Prime Minister Raja Pervaiz Ashraf, holding back tears of joy on his last day in office.

All, unfortunately, is not well. The outgoing government has made little progress in the war on terror and the country faces a deteriorating law and order situation. A massive energy crisis that leaves most areas without power for 8-10 hours a day is crippling industry and driving unemployment.

The government on the other hand says that’s all a bunch of crap. “We are working on a revolutionary new technology that will harness the heat generated from frequent bomb blasts in urban areas and convert that to electricity. We will, Inshallah, kill two birds with one stone. Take that, Taliban!”, said a beaming Ahmed Mukhtar, the outgoing Minister for Water & Power.

This newspaper tried to contact the Taliban spokesperson for the terrorist group’s response to the innovation above. However, we were unsuccessful in obtaining a quote since Ehsanullah Ehsan could not stop laughing.

“Yes, our cities are dark, our factories empty and our tractors silent. But we must be patient. We should all learn from the USA, the greatest nation on earth. America became independent in 1776 and the light bulb was invented in 1870. That’s almost one hundred years. Pakistan is just 65 years old God dammit! We deserve at least 35 more years to screw up the national power generation infrastructure before you filthy bastards are allowed to complain,” said Prime Minister Raja Pervaiz Ashraf in his tear-jerking farewell address to the nation.

Terrorism continues to remain an (Islamic) thorn in Pakistan’s side and is keenly reported upon. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to provide more commentary on the matter since all the newspapers have moved bombings and terrorist attacks to the sports pages (as of yesterday, the score was Taliban 38, Pakistan 17). All American led attempts at peace talks with the Taliban continue to fail since the two sides cannot speak to each other… literally! What seems to be happening is that all the negotiators appointed by the USA are Pashto (the local Taliban language) speaking, while Taliban fighters can only speak English as a result of the years they spent as children training with CIA operatives in the 80s.

In the political sphere, tragedy and drama continue to prevail. The ruling political party (the Pakistan People’s Party, founded by the famous Bhutto clan) has developed a reputation of coming to power every time a prominent member of the Bhutto family is killed. Zulfikar Bhutto was sent to the gallows in a military influenced court ruling, and in the 1980s his daughter Benazir Bhutto came to power riding the wave of the “sympathy vote”. Years later, Benazir Bhutto’s assasination generated a ton of sympathy vote, propelling her husband Asif Zardari to power. Sources close to the party say that Bilawal Bhutto (son of President Zardari and the only high profile Bhutto alive) is not thrilled with the tradition.

“Dad gets a gleam in his eye every time he talks about how a Bhutto dying is the only sure way to win the elections this year. Honestly, it’s a bit unnerving,” said Bilawal Bhutto as he wiped his forehead during an interview with a local TV channel.

Despite the difficulties, the 150 million+ poor people of Pakistan continue to exhibit an almost fanatic support for democracy. Hundreds of thousands of people turned up at a rally to support a government of the people, for the people, by the people. A banner in the rally read, “Who needs food when I can vote?” Another passionate supporter of the democratic process shouted, “Of course I will have the time to vote in the coming election, thank Goodness I don’t have a job! Allah is Great!”. “We will vote even if we have to vote in the dark,” said a young woman as she fumbled for a candle.

Foreign relations, however, has been an undisputed feather in the government’s cap. Hina Rabbani Khar is a 35 year old 5’9″ tall hot babe and the country’s first female foreign minister. “I’ll tell you a secret…” whispers the President, “Western diplomats can’t stop drooling over her. It helps with the aid.”

The contents of this article, though hilarious and satirical, are questionable, in fact, fake. The facts are not checked, the sources are not correct, the quotes are not verified and the opinions are not fully thought through.